Sacramento Won't Take Your Abuse, Steve

It's no secret that Sacramento, and the shithole known as Stockton share an erotic and sensual rivalry as old as Barbara Walters.

What a lot of people don't know is that my ol pal Stephen Malkmus is actually from Compton Stockton (but he’s reluctant to show self disgust). So when I saw Stephen at Harlows last night, I was shocked to hear him berate lady Sack-a-potato. Stephen Malkmus must have been blinded by all the big city lights, and perhaps his virgin eyes weren’t able to physically view our wonderopolis. Much to our hometown’s dismay, his guns were-a-blazin’.

Stephen tried to incite a riot by saying things like "Stockton is sick & tired of being Sacramento's attention seeking, sluttier, pregnant sister".

Just who do you think you are?

I'm kidding.
Stockton is nice.
So is Stephen Malkmus.


Here is a brief comparison for those of you unfamiliar.

Stockton has a strawberry stand
Sacramento has a Church of Scientology

Stockton is the capitol of San Wahkeen county
Sacramento is the capitol of Killafornia

Stockton has Scott Donahue (who?)
Sacramento has Gary Busey

Cool Hand Luke was filmed in Stockton
Sacramento has Triple XXX

Stockton's sister is Jamie Lynn Spears
Sacramento's sister Miley Cyrus

Most people can't find Stockton on a mappet (similar to a Muppet but geography based, and not furry)
A famous Cyborg from the future works in Sacramento even though he lives in Los Angeles.

Stockton, known as "California's Sunrise Seaport" is nowhere near the sea.
Sacramento is "The river city" cause it’s ON THE GOD DAMN RIVER.

(guest co-written by Jer)